Wow! A post I wrote a few weeks ago about relationships is my most read blog post since the Stik debacle! So I’d like to say something else that has really helped me.

Some years ago, I read a blog post that discussed what potential does a romantic relationship have? Say you’re in a relationship, and it’s not going that great… what is that relationship’s POTENTIAL? I think it’s something we’ve all wondered.

The blog author basically said that a relationship only has the potential to be exactly what it has been so far. We make up stories in our head like oh, when he stops drinking, or oh, when she gets a job, things between us will be GREAT. There’s always something that might happen in the future that’ll make this relationship right.

I Call This The “Double Fantasy.”

The first fantasy is what you hope might happen to your partner… he stops drinking. She gets a job. He loses the weight. She gets off her meds… or she gets back on her meds. This is a fantasy because we don’t know that this will EVER happen. It’s something WE want to happen, but that doesn’t mean it will, and it doesn’t mean it’ll happen the way we’d imagine or prefer. That’s what makes it a fantasy. It’s a roll of a die if what we want to happen will possibly happen exactly the way we wish it would.

The second fantasy is how great you imagine the relationship being when (IF) the first fantasy actually happens (which is often unlikely). You imagine at that point, she’ll really love you, or he’ll pay more attention, or she’ll want more sex, or he’ll open up, or she’ll treat you the way you want… The reality is that THAT may never happen either! Even if the first fantasy actually came to be, that does not automatically mean that the result or outcome is the one we dreamed up. The outcome could be something different than our fantasy. There could even be NO change at all.

The Right Relationship Feels Right

You’ll know you’re in the right relationship when you’re happy. Seems obvious, right? Yet if your answer to, “Are you happy?” sounds something like, “I hope to someday be,” then not only are you NOT happy, but you are probably in Double Fantasy-land. You have probably imagined a future what-if-on-top-of-a-what-if that will be nearly impossible to attain. You’re hoping that you roll the greatest dice roll in history, and your Double Fantasy comes true.

This also takes you out of the present, and puts you in a dreamy, unknown future that is completely out of your control. Why is it so out of your control? Because it has to do with what someone else may or may not do, and how that person may or may not change in response to something they do or don’t do! You don’t get to control ANY of that. If you could control it, it would already be exactly the way you wanted it.

Live In The Now

If you have to look to a possible future to hope your happiness is there, or you’re looking at the past for where your happiness is, then you’re not living in this moment.

I once asked my parents why they never divorced, and my mother’s answer was (at the time), “Well, we’ve put 33 years into it.” One would hope she’d say something like, “I deeply love your father, and look forward to spending my whole life with him.” For her, it seemed to be a matter of well, we have a history and a past, so we’ll just keep doing this.

Another unhappily married person I know has told me that he has history with his wife, and that should count for something. It does. It is a reminder for you of exactly what you can expect from your wife: more of what you have been getting from her already… which he tended to describe with words like “hurt” and “frustration,” and he was probably being kind. That past and history you want to hold on to… was it that good? If you consider yourself unhappily married, you’ve plotted your marital exit, or you have ASKED for a marital exit, your past with your spouse was probably not that good… and I’d say the future ain’t so bright. Why are we holding on to that? Why are we putting glue on our house of cards?

Keep A Journal

Create a journal with two columns for each day. Column 1 is your list of what things your partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse) did that made you feel truly loved, adored, respected, desired, deeply connected to your partner, and and all-around good. Column 2 is your list of what your partner did that day that made you feel annoyed, hurt, rejected, doubtful, ignored, belittled, or abandoned. Do NOT put things in column 1 that any friend or acquaintance might do such as “bought you a soda” or “held the door for you.” We’re looking for the things a life partner does that make you feel really special and connected to someone you’d consider as your life partner. Then again, if “he bought me a soda” is the brightest spot in your day’s interactions with him, that should tell you something.

Do that for two weeks, and then go and read your two weeks back, straight through in one sitting. Which column has more in it?

That also will tell you who your partner truly is, not the fantasy you have created around the “potential” that partner has. I am FAMOUS for dating people where I tend to see the potential, and I sometimes ignore the reality. I fall in love with my own fantasy of who he might be when ________. Maybe today, someone can learn from my mistakes and these ideas, and get themselves out of something negative, abusive, or just not right for them.

I promise I won’t turn the Brass Flowers blog into a dating advice column. But since that last post was so popular, and I got so many private “thank yous” on it, I figured I might say something else about love and relationships. I know that some day, I will get it together with the guy out there who’s my “meant to be,” and I won’t need fantasies or what ifs. He will just be right for me, in every moment. That person is out there for you. You don’t need to wait for the person you’re with now to magically turn into the person you really wish he or she were. I wouldn’t want someone waiting for me to turn into somebody else. I want someone to love me as is!

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This blog is biz, but it’s also about natural human behaviour. I see a lot of relationship unhappiness, and I just want to say something about love relationships, whether it’s just dating, living together, or new or oooold marriages.

We all have standards. We all have fuses, and we’ll burn until someone goes too far. What “too far” is will be different for each person. Some people can endlessly forgive an alcoholic. Some people would want to dump that alcoholic after the first lie they catch or drink they sneak. Some people stick around after there has been cheating or even violence. Some people wouldn’t stay another minute after any of either of those. So we all have our own fuses and breaking points. Be familiar with yours.

True Forgiveness Is About Truly Moving On

If you plan to stay with that partner, and work things out after that lie or affair or dealbreaking experience, you HAVE to forgive that person. You don’t have to forget. You don’t have to pretend it never happened. But love is about trust. Relationships are about connection. And it’s all about creating the experience you want to live.

If staying with that person means living in endless suspicion of what she’s going to do, then I suggest you end the relationship. Nobody wants to be on a short leash for the months or years the relationship has left. If staying with that person means constantly reminding them of the bad thing he did, or the time he ______, then you haven’t forgiven. You aren’t operating from love. You’re operating from fear. And if fear is your dominant experience with this person, then love is not, and I suggest ending the relationship. A relationship’s dominant experience should be love, and love is about connection and happiness.

It’s Nearly Impossible To Make It Work After Someone Has Reached The Breaking Point

When someone burns your fuse a little, that person is annoying. We usually hope that person will change. Most people hope for more sex, more talking, maybe less talking , more time together, less fighting, etc… So the fuse was burned a bit, but we didn’t reach the point of no return. When the fuse has burned down, and the breaking point is reached for one or both people in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible to work that relationship back to something full of love, joy, and trust. It’s gone from annoyance to dealbreaker.

“We’re Going To Try”

I have always said that I do not want to be in a relationship where someone will TRY to love me (again or at all). I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner is trying to find trust for me. I want to be loved and trusted without condition (unconditional love… we all want it, and we all deserve it). Trying puts people on their best behaviour for as long as they can keep it going, but typically, people slide back into old habits and patterns. It’s similar to why diets tend to fail, and people put the weight back on. Or why someone told to stop smoking or face death soon can’t delay his or her own death, and stop the smoking. It’s hard to change who we are at the core, and what we feel we need in our lives.

I’ve been in a bunch of long and short relationships, and I am 100% sure that “trying” rarely works. Sure, people stay together, but to me, it only really worked if the relationship is a deeply loving and wonderful thing for both people. If you are nagged by fears, suspicions, doubts, or the like, then it’s not deeply loving, or just not what you think. And I say get out. If you stayed together, but you’re not floating in bliss, then trying didn’t really work. You’re probably just trying to make it look good to everybody else.

Everybody deserves better than that. You CAN find someone who is a better match. You deserve the best match you can find. In fact…

You Deserve Sparks

A friend of mine back home has been married for over 40 years. She and her husband are dreamy in love, and sure they’ve had tough times… money, parents, problems with the kids, moves, jobs, you name it. But she says she still feels sparks about and around him. That person IS out there for you. It just may not be the person you’re going to get into bed with tonight. But no matter who you are, that person is out there. I say go find him or her. You deserve sparks. You deserve love and trust.

Even people who have broken someone’s trust deserve to be loved by someone who will understand why he or she did that. And that goes back to our standards and what works for us. I may not be OK with an addict, but I can deal with someone who had an affair. You may not be OK with a partner who has previously hit a lover, but you may be OK with someone with a misdemeanor criminal record. If your partner doesn’t match your standards, stop waiting for him or her to. Love that person for who he or she is, or end it so that you can each find a better match. The right match for you will share those standards, and it will be a better combination.

I’m still narrowing down what my dealbreakers are. But this post is for all of you out there who aren’t feeling sparks. I have felt sparks, and I need to remember to accept nothing less. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve been hurt. You’ve hurt people, and you’ve been hurt. There is a great match out there for all of us. You just have to be willing to walk away from the familiar and pattern, and go find it. Or be open to it finding you. I’m ready to feel that spark, that connection that never really goes away.

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